Feeling Green

I took this photo this morning in the dunes after my “run”.  I put run in quotes because it was mostly walking.  I refuse to feel bad about that anymore.  I have to find the fun in running again and at this moment I have a lot more fun and enjoyment walking so that is what I do.

I feel these days that I have to find the fun in a lot of things.  Even knitting.  I put myself under so much pressure to finish projects this last Winter, Spring and early Summer that not only did I injure myself, but I also lost the joy in knitting.  It was work.  It was something I had to do in order to get some things finished (for various reasons).  I put myself under pressure to design things.  I felt like I had to achieve something.

I have been under pressure to achieve things for a long time and I don’t feel like I’m having fun at anything anymore.

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

I always thought that at some point in my life I would achieve something.  Yes, it was always just as vague as that sounds.  I would know it when I found it.  But it would come, I would find it, the BIG THING that would give me deep satisfaction.  Write a book.  Find a creative niche that I would excel at.  Be the best at something.  Anything.

But that hasn’t happened.  I didn’t have the focus when I was younger and now I feel like everything is more difficult than it would have been earlier in my life.  I have commitments.  I have a lifestyle.  I have expectations gathered from a lifetime.

Anyway, I will continue running/walking at a level that makes me feel good.  I will get my shoulder healed.  When I can, I will knit what  makes me excited to knit.  If I feel like creating an entirely new design, I will do it because I enjoy it, not because there’s a magazine deadline coming up or a season I will miss if I don’t hurry up.  And I will figure out what kind of work will make me happy to get up in the morning.

No pressure.


8 thoughts on “Feeling Green

  1. Lorraine July 29, 2012 / 21:29

    I love this post. Very thoughtful and insightful.

  2. Cybele July 30, 2012 / 08:58

    Hope you find your feet again soon. I know what you mean about putting pressure on yourself. I sometimes get to the stage (sometimes? probably about once a month!) where I feel that I’m always making things for other people and never have time to make anything for myself. And I determine not to do that anymore, only to find that a few weeks later, I feel the same all over again. This is one of the reasons I couldn’t make craft my business – I think the joy of it would go.

  3. Betty Salpekar July 30, 2012 / 13:51

    “The unexamined life is not worth living” — Socrates. You are examining yours and you will find joy again, or it will find you. Keep your eyes open and your heart calm. Hugs.

  4. Lou July 31, 2012 / 19:53

    Shoot if that’s what a mid life crisis reads like then I have one annually. You got your socks in Vogue…is that not at all cool? Write a book? Sounds like a plan…if the actual knitting is slow how’s about more patterning designing? Dibs on a signed copy of your first knit book..lol.
    To get out of a mental rut I write lists..and get a huge sense of achievement even crossing the little things off.

  5. Lou July 31, 2012 / 19:56

    Sorry you feel so much pressure but it sounds like you have had a lot deal with over the past year or so..a lot of uncertainty. Hope you get past it soon. xx

  6. mandy August 1, 2012 / 05:25

    Hey! You! Pot! Kettle, here. 🙂 Hey, at least it didn’t take you getting cancer to figure these things out! But these worries will manifest somewhere, so, you know, shake that pressure off. There’s tons of time to write a book. Or change the world. Or, you know, whatever.

    Listen to Betty’s advice. Make time for yoga. I firmly believe that the lack of focus in your younger years is what shaped you into one of the most awesome people on the planet. And by all means, give yourself some effing credit for all the amazing shit you’ve done on a daily basis, like being the best damn auntie a girl could ask for. XO.

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