I took this photo this morning in the dunes after my “run”. I put run in quotes because it was mostly walking. I refuse to feel bad about that anymore. I have to find the fun in running again and at this moment I have a lot more fun and enjoyment walking so that is what I do.
I feel these days that I have to find the fun in a lot of things. Even knitting. I put myself under so much pressure to finish projects this last Winter, Spring and early Summer that not only did I injure myself, but I also lost the joy in knitting. It was work. It was something I had to do in order to get some things finished (for various reasons). I put myself under pressure to design things. I felt like I had to achieve something.
I have been under pressure to achieve things for a long time and I don’t feel like I’m having fun at anything anymore.
Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
I always thought that at some point in my life I would achieve something. Yes, it was always just as vague as that sounds. I would know it when I found it. But it would come, I would find it, the BIG THING that would give me deep satisfaction. Write a book. Find a creative niche that I would excel at. Be the best at something. Anything.
But that hasn’t happened. I didn’t have the focus when I was younger and now I feel like everything is more difficult than it would have been earlier in my life. I have commitments. I have a lifestyle. I have expectations gathered from a lifetime.
Anyway, I will continue running/walking at a level that makes me feel good. I will get my shoulder healed. When I can, I will knit what makes me excited to knit. If I feel like creating an entirely new design, I will do it because I enjoy it, not because there’s a magazine deadline coming up or a season I will miss if I don’t hurry up. And I will figure out what kind of work will make me happy to get up in the morning.