Panic Over (for now)

So, a little while ago I had a little panic, mid-life crisis, whatever you want to call it.  It’s not completely over, but at least I’ve made some changes that have made me feel better.

First, I played with fiber, which always improves my mood.  And I’m planning to play with some more through the end of the summer.  I have more yarn dyeing planned so stay tuned for photos of that.

Second, I went to the beach.  I always feel better after going to the beach or walking in the dunes.  Maybe it’s the sound of the waves or birds, or the smell of the air as it flows over the water, or through the trees.  Whatever it is, it works.

Third, I started going to yoga.  I really believe yoga will save me, in many ways.  It forces my body to stretch and become strong.  Who would have thought sitting still would be such hard work?  I like that I just have to show up and someone tells me what to do.  I struggle with self discipline when it comes to things that are physically hard to do.

Fourth, I ended my employment at my new job at the end of the probation period.  It was never going to make me happy.  The job wasn’t what they sold to me in the interview.  They were happy to call it a mutual ending of the contract and were super nice about it.  I think it was clear to everyone that it wasn’t a good fit.  I told the HR woman that I think they need to figure out what they really want before hiring someone again.  I won’t go into any more details.  All the people there were lovely, friendly, welcoming.  It just wasn’t right for me.  Now I’m back to looking for a teaching job.  I think I panicked when I took this job.  I panicked about being unemployed and I didn’t stick to my guns when it came to what I really wanted.  I’m not going to settle again.

Fifth, and finally, I’ve decided to write a book.  I don’t want to spill the beans yet, except to say that it will be about knitting.  It will be a very specific topic in knitting.  I’ve got a detailed outline done and I’m working on filling it out.  I hope to finish it in a year.  At least that’s what I’m thinking now.  I have never written a book before so I don’t know if that’s a reasonable estimate or not, but it’s what I’m going with for now.

And that’s my story.  That’s how I got from feeling down and disoriented, to feeling like I have some kind of direction and feel good about it.  Life is fluid.  I need to just go with it.  And not panic.

Feeling Green

I took this photo this morning in the dunes after my “run”.  I put run in quotes because it was mostly walking.  I refuse to feel bad about that anymore.  I have to find the fun in running again and at this moment I have a lot more fun and enjoyment walking so that is what I do.

I feel these days that I have to find the fun in a lot of things.  Even knitting.  I put myself under so much pressure to finish projects this last Winter, Spring and early Summer that not only did I injure myself, but I also lost the joy in knitting.  It was work.  It was something I had to do in order to get some things finished (for various reasons).  I put myself under pressure to design things.  I felt like I had to achieve something.

I have been under pressure to achieve things for a long time and I don’t feel like I’m having fun at anything anymore.

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

I always thought that at some point in my life I would achieve something.  Yes, it was always just as vague as that sounds.  I would know it when I found it.  But it would come, I would find it, the BIG THING that would give me deep satisfaction.  Write a book.  Find a creative niche that I would excel at.  Be the best at something.  Anything.

But that hasn’t happened.  I didn’t have the focus when I was younger and now I feel like everything is more difficult than it would have been earlier in my life.  I have commitments.  I have a lifestyle.  I have expectations gathered from a lifetime.

Anyway, I will continue running/walking at a level that makes me feel good.  I will get my shoulder healed.  When I can, I will knit what  makes me excited to knit.  If I feel like creating an entirely new design, I will do it because I enjoy it, not because there’s a magazine deadline coming up or a season I will miss if I don’t hurry up.  And I will figure out what kind of work will make me happy to get up in the morning.

No pressure.